February

Well…

I find myself, at all times of the day, telling other people that it’s okay to be different and it’s okay to breathe and let it just fall into place. When on the inside I’m secretly controlling everything in my life, even from the tiniest of things to the largest portions of my day. Some days I find myself engaged in so many activities to keep me from doing what I know I should be doing and then blaming life for just giving me a bad hand.

This is my life every day. It’s so easy to smile and tell everyone it will be okay; When in reality, my world is seamlessly falling apart. It’s almost as if I plan some of the disasters that are headed my way. My go-to phrase (don’t correct me if you hear me say it) is: “I just feel stuck.” And it’s the truth, I do feel stuck but a majority of the time I have created the hole I’m standing in.

In my current life, I’m looking for a new place to live. I jokingly tell people, I’ve moved 5 times in 4 years and I’m an expert at relocating, but the idea of relocating makes me anxious and it makes me feel like I need to get my life together. So in 4 years, I haven’t decided that it was time to get my life together because, in August, I will be relocating again. Only this time I have no clue where to go I just know where I can’t go.

The biggest and deepest hole I’ve dug myself in is the hole of accountability. I mean, I know I should be responsible for my actions and for the most part if anything happens as a direct result of the choices I make then I’m pretty ‘okay’ with accepting the consequences. However, I don’t hold myself accountable for the things that could have been done. At my age, I could have found a place to stay long-term and be settled in, but the idea of commitment to one place is so scary (do they have meds for fearfulness?).

The lack of accountability that I have towards the things I KNOW I should be doing is what holds me back. I started this blog and I was full steam ahead, but somewhere between job change and looking for a new place, I let my responsibilities to myself slip through the cracks. It’s always been my dream to be a writer. I love to put words to paper. I love helping others and making them smile as well. I think it’s my destiny to be a motivational speaker and I wanted my blog to help me get to my end goal. I mean I could work for myself, do what I love, and have fun doing it, but I dropped the ball and I’ve let some people down.

The lack of respect I have for myself shows the lack of accountability that I hold for myself when I do things like say, “I’m just stuck.” While it is true that I have bee diagnosed with Clinical depression and anxiety, it is no excuse to continue to neglect myself and the things I hold dearest to my heart.

My goal for 2018 was to be great. So far, I’ve been mediocre. I know someone is going to say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” But the truth is, I need to be if no one else will. I know my sister will most definitely tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. I told someone I preferred honest communication but the one person I can’t be honest with is myself.

My sister sent me a TEDTalk by Tim Urban entitled, “Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator,” and I’ve found that through my lack of ambition (because that’s exactly what it is I’m lacking ) I have found that a lot of my life has declined. Whose fault is it? MY OWN! Who can fix it? I CAN! As I wrote the last idea, I thought that I don’t lack ambition, I have a lot of ideas I can bring to fruition, but that makes me ambitious. I don’t have the drive (because of my chronic procrastination) to be better. Prime example, I begged and begged for a job that was 9-5, M-F and I got that so what’s holding me back but me.

This post was a kick in the pants for me. A Get-Your-Life-Together post. A Why-Aren’t-You-Trying- Hard- Enough post. Some of you reading this may feel the same about yourself that I feel about myself and I’m saying this to say you’re not alone out there but you definitely need to get it together. Get off the struggle bus and get on the productivity express (that was so cheesy). I know I will be better because I will start making myself do better.

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