Like most women, I am a multi-layered individual. I pride myself on the tough times I’ve been through and survived. I pride myself on my ability to get knocked down but surprisingly get back up and keep moving forward despite the fact that what I really want to do is cry and not do a thing. I get excited about things like power tools and holographic nail polish. I get excited about the smell of fresh cut wood and Lavender Vanilla body lotions. I love reading and listening to ratchet music. I dislike watching TV. Yup, I said it, I don’t have the energy to watch television. Sometimes, I tell my sister that I think I was meant to live so many lives. I’m in tune with my spiritual side; I believe in holistic healing and homeopathic remedies. I believe in detoxing the mind and ridding it of the things that cause it harm.
I’ve mentioned previously that I suffer from some mental health issues and to find solace, I write a lot. This blog helps me cope and I want to thank you guys for keeping me excited about life. On February 14th, I had a mental set back. There are things in my past that still affect my present. I’m generally optimistic because it’s another way I cope with the chaos around me. February 14th is the man-made day for showing and recognizing love. On that day a few years ago, I became pregnant. It’s hard to talk about it sometimes because I’m from a religious family and so I hid my pregnancy. Months later, I had a miscarriage and this started a downward spiral with my mental health.
In my lifetime, I’ve had four miscarriages This last time was different because I was actually excited about becoming a mom. I was excited about bringing life into the world. It was my destiny fulfilled as a woman (according to society) but it’s what I’ve secretly always wanted. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, just like I’ve always wanted to wear a white wrap wedding dress with a long flowing train. Motherhood is just something I’ve always known I wanted on my resume.
After three miscarriages, I decided to give up on the job of motherhood and just focus on my life that was falling apart. I was in a good mental place. I was preparing for my next step up in life. I’d done a lot of things to elevate my feelings of self-worth and then one day, I was in some of the worst bodily pain in my life. I was miscarrying and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I was helpless. I was alone (the father lived in a different city). I was hurting and afraid. I felt the joy that I had accepted into my life slowly leave me. I needed comfort and kind words but I met with “I told you so,” “you didn’t need it anyway,” my personal favorite gut punch, “you didn’t have enough faith in God” and radio silence. It was one of the most mentally challenging things I’ve had to deal with while actually trying to get my life on track. I’ll be honest I didn’t take life seriously until I hit 25.
I was doing things right. I was paying bills, increasing my credit score, growing my edges back. I mean I was working life out you feel me, but that day I had lost it all. I went to work and worked 12 hours without anyone knowing my pain. I went home and locked myself in my room, laid on the floor and slept for hours. I took pills to take away the pain. Tried to end my life because I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I wanted to know that I would never have to feel anything like this again. I was empty inside and everyone wanted to know “how was I really feeling.” You really want to know how I was feeling or were you just trying to pry to see if I would tell you who I was pregnant by?
I discussed alternative family plans with my physicians but I was through with the idea of being a mother. I could not go through any of this anymore. I could not deal with the pain, the abandonment, the questions, the judgment, or the mental trouble that it caused me. I was moving forward in my life and then I just wanted to end my life. It was then that I recognized the true severity and fragility of my mental health. I was too fragile to deal with everything that was being thrown at me but I did it with a smile and still made people laugh and brightened up their day while I was a walking rainstorm.
Since then I’ve done one of the greatest things possible. I went to see a psychiatrist and I am on track now. I still think about my unborn children. I think about the life I would have had if I had actually been blessed to have them. I think about all the “what ifs.” My favorite “what if” is if my last baby was a girl, I would have named her Ella Rae D. That’s my favorite what if because it allows me to be happy and I think about the possibility of a cute little girl with hair like mine and eyes and a smile like her dad, but she’d have my sassy personality and sense of humor. This is my happy place. This is what helps me cope because I know I’m alone in this journey of mental stability.
It was a tough year but I got through. I got through thanks to Kehlani’s music, Jhene Aiko’s attitude about what others think of her and Tyrese for being anti-black women that I was inspired to recognize toxic people who said they had your back but they were actually looking for the biggest come up off your own pain. I’ve learned to live for me and fulfill my dreams in different ways. I still get upset and I still feel pain when I see smiling babies. I still think why me? But I quickly understand that my purpose is different and I have to find it.