Initially, when I started this blog, I wanted it to be a testament to my strength but then I realized that I’m weak in areas where I thought I was strong. For example, my sister, she’s strong-willed. She’ll set her mind to something and she’ll accomplish it; unless it’s a diet, homegirl needs her fried chicken. She’s so resilient though and it’s awesome to watch her exercise and then head to get an ice cream sundae. I’d be so tough on myself after that workout that I wouldn’t even want to look at another sweet treat again then I’ll end up resenting the fact that I haven’t had a treat and then I explode in the frozen foods aisle at I’m local grocery store and BOOM back to square one for me, self-loathing.
I want to be strong will and resilient like my sister. Man, the only thing I can commit to is a full 8 hours of sleep every night and that’s because that’s my favorite thing to do. I can also commit to eating fruit snacks, reading, and the love of my life, COFFEE. I mean if I could marry coffee I’d do it. I’ve reinvented myself countless times and after every reinvention, I’m still the same old Rece. I’m the same old me and that became so discouraging. I’m a ‘results fast please’ type of person. I want to automatically know the efforts that I’m putting into the things I do will pay off über fast. What’s the point of doing something if you don’t reap the benefits instantly? I soon learned that instant results aren’t all they are cracked up to be.
The first blog post I ever wrote was about this guy (aren’t they all about some guy?) and I wanted to document my journey and the changes I had gone through. The more I wrote the more I realized that I hadn’t changed at all. Talk about fast results backfiring. Here I was thinking I had evolved but I was still the same head-over-heels, goo-goo eyed fool I had been ten years ago. How was I supposed to be helping somebody when I wasn’t even seeing that I was making excuses for myself, so I looked to my cousin for some inspiration. My cousin, just like my sister, is so head-strong. When her mind is made up you have a better chance of turning water into wine than getting her to change it. I don’t think we are out here performing those kinds of miracles, so I ripped a page from her book and I decided to ‘woman up’ and be headstrong. I decided to be strong-willed and just cut this guy out of my life for good. I was blog bashing him and painting him to be the true villain but in reality, he only got away with what I allowed. It was time for me to start turning the mirror around on myself. I needed to see the true flaws in who I was or, better yet, who I wasn’t.
Recently, during an at-home serenade of Gucci Mane, I was looking in the mirror and I saw my true self, naked and unapologetic. As I was allowing my soul to be filled with the melodious beats of getting the bag. As I was flipping and tumbling my imaginary bag that Gucci and Migos handed to me I realized my true self is THE MOST AWESOME PERSON I KNOW. I looked at myself and said, “Girlie, everybody wants to see you naked.” PAUSE. Y’all really don’t want to see me naked because it ain’t the prettiest. (Side Note: I love my body and all its flaws. I love being a plush sized woman!)
All my life I thought I was fat until one day I actually realized I was fat and the doctor actually told me I was obese and I could stand to lose a few pounds (Thanks Doc!). I wasn’t devastated or anything because I mean I’ve seen myself naked. I’ve walked up a few flights of stairs and I’ve tried to twerk. I’ve been more devastated finding out that Scandal would only air eighteen episodes one season, like that, was almost like losing my best friend. The way I felt when I was told I was obese and needed to be put on a diet that consisted of little to no sweets and very few carbs, I almost lost my mind. (Here is where I see the family resemblance) No carbs! NO CARBS! Who lives a life with no stinking carbs? Show me those people so I can stay away from them because there’s a chemical malfunction in their bodies to willfully not have carbs. Okay I know the doctor said few carbs but few carbs meant no carbs to me. I’m hysterical. This is my true self. I’m a fat, carb loving, trap music listening, Scandal fanatic and I’m proud of it. I’ll never be like my sister nor my cousin. They are wonderful women, but we just won’t have the same life goals. We do not have the same determination or dedication. I plan to live my life in Boca Raton in an assisted living facility and hit on all the old men there. That’s my short-term goal, like 6 months away short term. That’s a goal I’m willing to dedicate myself to. Not really.
Seriously, although, I push people into living out their lives with nothing to fear, I fear a lot of things. I used to hate seeing myself naked, both physically and figuratively. I was fearful of all the things that I was not and it turned me into who I was. You ever hear someone say, “I wish I was the old me”? Well, I wished that’s who I was every day for years and until I etched it into my brain that I wasn’t who should be. I wasn’t good enough for me. I started to become someone else someone who I didn’t recognize. I know that sounds so cliché and maybe I’m okay with being a walking cliché at this point in my life. All clichés have some truth, so just let me be great right now and let me have my W. I deserve this W. I need this W.
What use are you to anyone in your life if you aren’t naked with yourself? If you can’t be bare and have an honest dialogue, what’s the point of even interacting with people? You can’t be one hundred percent into anything you do if you’re not one hundred percent true to yourself. What’s keeping you clothed? What’s keeping you ashamed? Is it really as bad as you think it is or is it just a molehill that you’ve manufactured into a mountain? Mount Everest even. Go and stand in front of that bathroom mirror and start to disrobe, it’s only you and your reflection. If you want to be thinner, work out. If you want to be smarter, read more. If you want to help more, volunteer. Start ripping off your layers and find out who you really are.