February

Follow the leader

If I had a dollar for every time I couldn’t make a solid decision, I’d be a millionaire or a billionaire. I can’t decide. As a matter of fact, just get back to be me later and I’ll have a concrete decision. I’m so indecisive. I can’t decide if I want to keep my hair natural or with a relaxer. I’ve cut my hair 5 times in during my entire natural hair journey. I can’t make any concrete decisions without feeling some sort of anxiety.

Decision making is a serious thing. Think about it. When you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone. That’s a HUGE decision. If someone actually proposed to me, I’d be in a padded room with a crazed look in my eyes. My hair would be matted and knotted to my scalp. That is a choice that I would have to consult my closest and dearest friends and my secret friend Chardonnay (She’s like my therapist. She’s so soothing).

I’ve recently finished “The Year of Yes” written by the talented Shonda Rhimes. Shonda talks about her year-long journey of saying ‘yes’ to the things that gave her fear. In true fangirl fashion, I’ve decided to follow in Shonda’s footsteps and I’ve decided (I feel a little anxiety right now) to start saying ‘yes’ to making concrete decisions despite the way they make me feel or make others feel. When I tell you I’m undecided about deciding, it’s almost confusing the way I do things. For twenty-something years, I’ve never made a decision that was well thought out and planned because failure gives me anxiety. So now that’s two things that give me anxiety: decisions and failure. I feel like if I don’t decide on a concrete decision then I won’t fail because it wasn’t the plan in the first place. BOOM! Welcome to the land of TERRIBLE logic! All are welcome but I don’t think it will be a good decision to enter through those serpentine gates.

My sister always says, “I don’t know why you ask me anything you already know the answer.” The truth is I don’t, but if she places that small sliver of doubt into my decision-making process, I’ll have an excuse to be even MORE indecisive, so saying ‘yes’ to making decisions that I will stick to is almost as tough as deciding what to wear out on a date. This fact is funny because I don’t date. One day, I’ll decide that I need to date and hopefully, he’ll understand that I’m a work in progress, a hot mess in a dress.

Back to Shonda’s footsteps, I made the choice to make solid decisions, which is why I’m writing this. It’s 2018 and I don’t make new year resolutions because I know I won’t stick to them. I know I’m not going to hit the gym. I’m not going to run an 8-minute mile. I’m not going to be a powerhouse bodybuilder. All of these have been past resolutions, so you see why I don’t make resolutions? It’s almost comical thinking about it because anyone who knows me knows my booty looks good in workout pants but I don’t sweat. I don’t sweat for health, so I don’t exercise. But back to the subject again, making decisions gives me fear and anxiety so I figured it would be the hardest thing for me to do. May as well start with the tough stuff first so I can get it over with and everything else will be a breeze. That’s my logic.

This year I made a resolution to focus on self-love and self-healing. My definition of self-love and healing is to remember me before I think about anyone else. That does sound selfish, but if you’ve ever been on a plane they tell you to save yourself first before you save anyone else so that’s how I’m approaching 2018. I’m saying ‘yes’ to saying no to indecisiveness. I’m saying yes to saying no to anxiety. I’m saying YES to saying no to failure. Ultimately, I’m saying yes to myself. Does this mean I’ll never experience either? No, but at least I’ll be mentally prepared for it. I will be able to handle the stress of these situations without any mental setbacks.

I’m never one to judge anyone but I think I need to start judging myself. Love me enough to say, “Hey girl, what are you trying to do?” Then I’ll answer myself with a concrete answer and stick to it. I believe in affirmations. I give myself a quote a year and it becomes my mantra. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. This year my cliché quote is “It’s not a race, it’s life.” That to me means, it’s okay if you make the wrong decision and you have to step back and regroup. It’s okay to see the err of your ways and want to correct yourself. It’s okay to let someone else correct you because sometimes you’re not always right. It’s not about being the first to the finish line but actually finishing. Look at yourself as a first-time marathon runner, just as long as you cross that line. It doesn’t matter if you’re time is 2 hours and 20 minutes at least you finished, right?

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